okay, who am i kidding. you are the best thing to have ever happened to me, specifically falling in love with you. that's never been a mystery, honestly. you're the best thing that's happened to a lot of people, we all know that. but how does that make this, what we have, special, you may ask? its our love. it's what we've taken years to grow and foster, what i hope we will continue to flourish in the coming years as well. did you ever think we would come to this point? i'll be honest, i didn't, and you're not allowed to hit me for this — but i truly felt that you were too good for me. i always saw myself watching you and seeing you happy, and hoping that whoever got to call you theirs one day would continue to make you smile like that. hoping that you would find someone who would make you happy, that you would never have to experience heartbreak. never really thought it would be me, but i cant complain.
i know im not really good with words, but im definitely better with words than i am with actions. so please, hyung, bear with me as i get through this. i've always wanted to express to you how much i care, and i really feel like i fall short all of the time. you've been so patient and understanding and kind, waiting for me to be able to give you as much love as you always give me. it's been nine months now, since i said yes to being yours, officially. nine months of ups and downs, of falling head over heels, of loosening up and getting used to accepting love and affection from someone as wholesome and loving as you. have i done well? i think i've come a long way, and i know i still have some time to go, but regardless, it's been an eye opening experience. who would have thought, falling in love was the best thing to have ever happened to me?
so, i said before that loving you was the best thing that ever happened to me. i know it may seem like an exaggeration, but believe it or not, it really, really isnt. i dont know where i would be without you, without your love to pull me out of whatever shell i've been in my whole life. but you're more than just that, you know? you're a fresh glass of lemonade in the dead heat of summer, you're the softest pillow to lay on after a long day, you're the warmest ray of sunshine on the coldest day of the year. you are, in short, everything good in this world. i dont care if you believe me or not: you're... you're literally everything to me, chan. i will spend every single last breath in my lungs defending that, proving to you that you're so much more than you think you are. you're talented, you're handsome, you're charming, you're sweet, you're quite literally everything anyone could ever ask for in a man... and more. you go beyond any expectations. your soul shines so bright, it outshines every other person and thing in the entire universe. how could anyone not look at you, how could anyone not be so drawn to you?
do you remember the night i told you that i would always be there for you, that i would gladly be your distraction from all the things in the world that bog you down? i think i specifically mentioned distracting you from needing to work, and that definitely still applies. you're my hyung, my only hyung in actuality, and i think that's one of the many reasons why you hold such a special place in my heart. i have to take care of you, just like how you take care of me (and the rest of the kids), because i'm stubborn enough to fight back when you try to insist you don't need something like that from someone. you can't fool me, christopher bang. i've come to learn many things about you, and that also means i know when you're being a little brat. takes one to know one, am i right? anyways, that wasn't the point of this. the point was that im thankful to have you in my life, as my hyung, my lover, my leader. but just as much as i rely on you for plenty of things, i hope you know you can rely on me, too. this is a two way street. love is a two way street, and i am madly in love with you.
it's been nine months. nine months since i said i would be your boyfriend. ever since then, i've come to find happiness, i've grown as a person, i've bettered myself, all because you were by my side. sure, you were there before, there was no doubt about that, but there's something different about you being there as my hyung and then you being there as my boyfriend. its a different level of intimacy, one i was always scared of, but you opened my heart to the good things that could come from being in such a kind and loving relationship. you have helped me grow in so many more ways than i think you even understand, ways i dont even know how to put into words. and for that, i will always be thankful. you didnt even have to do anything special to mean so much to me, or to be able to do so much for me (or anyone else around you, for that matter). you just had to be yourself. your beautiful, charming, hard working, loving self. im pretty sure you asked me once that if i was given the choice and i could only choose one, would i choose my cats or you. the answer, chan, is you. it will always be you, no matter what happens in life. you are an irreplaceable factor of my life.
i can't get enough of you
i've been thinking about this — about you and me, about us — for a long time. i think about it every day i get to wake up next to you, i think about it every hardship we go through whether it's as a group or as a couple. i think about the fact that when it all comes down to it, there is nowhere else i would rather be in life. i am the happiest, right where i am, with you. i know i would walk through any storm and hold your hand to help get you through it, because we all know you would try to push through that stuff on your own.
but that's... that's what forever is about, right? because forever with someone you love means you don't have to go through any of that stuff alone, ever again. in my eyes, i made two very important promises to you in the time we've known each other: 1 that i would always be by your side and support you as your brother and your friend and 2 that i would give you my whole heart and trust in you without doubt as your lover. those two promises, though made at very separate times in our lives, go hand in hand. first and foremost, you are my family we'll have one of our own one day, and it wont just be cats, i swear and i will always care for you. whether we're romantically invested in each other or not, that will never change.
i've said a lot so far, don't you think? i still don't know that it's enough, that it will ever be enough. words are funny, aren't they? we have so many at our disposal, and yet when it really matters, it feels like there aren't enough to express how we feel, or they just can't do it properly. i guess that's why actions are preferred over words most of the time, hm? it makes sense, but in some cases, it really just isn't helpful.
for instance, i have something i want to ask you...
